Listening to songs I forgot I had. Going through stuffs that were kept away for too long. Its these kind of things that brings back memories. Both good and bad. Its also times like these when all these emotions that I've kept so well hidden start kicking in. I'm usually not the type to pour everything into a blog. But for tonight, just tonight, I'd like open up.

I miss everyone. How hard can a phone call be, you'd ask. A simple thing can get so hard with excuses, fears and pride getting in the way. ' Nah, their doing so much better without me.' or, ' There's nothing much to say.' . I hate how voices like these always get in the way. How procrastination can be a bitch. How I always allow all these to happen. How I'm complaining like this.

I miss eating Lor Mee with them and talking about anything and everything. Poking fun at Gwynnie about her shooting star. Having Bubble tea during Geography. Skipping reading period with Rashyd and co. Trying to escape from making announcements. I miss going back to a class I was so familiar with.

I miss having chatting sessions every Friday with the Milly&co. Yes, despite all that has happened and how things turned out for all of us, I still miss it. I miss every single one of them. I miss laughing till my stomach ached, or till we all cried. I missed the hugs, the cheers, everything. I miss going training with them.

I wouldnt mind quarreling with my mum over Badminton. Its better than this. Having to lie over and over again. I would love to tell her the truth, but the consequences scares me. Its not a matter of trying now. Because we all know what'll happen once it's open. I thought I could deal with it. But I guess I'm not as brave or strong as I thought.

I want this empty feeling to go away. Yet, I want to know why am I feeling this way. I have everything. But why do I feel like I'm missing of something?

I want these voices to stop. I want these thoughts to go away. I want to feel again.

Tonight, all that's been built up crumbled. But tomorrow, it'll be back up. I'll be alright.
Facades, hypocrisy. Put it anyway you want. It doesn't matter anymore.

I need to pull myself together.